Getting it off my chest

I really don’t expect anyone to read this I just have to get it out.

Life is falling apart, no matter how hard I try to hang on it all seems to slip through my fingers, its like trying to make a rope out of sand.

My best friend and I are on the brink of falling out and I don’t want it to happen but we’re both going thro so much at the moment and I honestly don’t think I can hang in there any more. I feel that she is in a mess of her own making pretty much like I am. I know I’m a screw-up, never claimed anything other, can’t do relationships, can’t do people, can’t seem to do much of anything lately. Thing is I kinda threw myself into a friendship with someone who seemed to have more problems than me, probably subconsciously hoping that by trying to help someone else that my own crap would fix itself when all that really happened was I lost sight of what was really important in my own life. I’ve tried to be a good person and I feel so very guilty right now that I’m abandoning my friend to her fate but if I don’t I feel I’m going to totally lose myself.  I guess we’ve both gotten so wrapped up in our own personal dramas that we’ve become co-dependent and now I don’t know what to do. I’d like to be able to speak with her and for us both to step back a ways, but the emotional state we’re both in means any negotiation is going to be fraught with misunderstandings. Thing is, I’m worried about her state of mind and I’m worried about mine too.

See, two of my kids only have me, their dads are not interested and I’m acutely aware of the fact that there’s only me between them and the world at the moment. She is the same, only one of her kids is epileptic while the other is autistic, I love them both to bits, whilst she is the sister I never had. This is going to play on my head if I don’t do or say something, I hope that I can sort something out and am waiting for some divine inspiration to show me the way forward.

Shit Happens

Where to start isn’t so much of a question as when. Unravelling the quantum string without benefit of a very sharp knife is problematic but I’ll try.

I was married for 11 years to a control freak and consider myself fortunate to have escaped with little more than my sanity and my family intact. My Mum,Dad and youngest son William and myself organised and paid for my eldest daughter’s wedding last July which resulted in my being hospitalised due to the stress. My daughter’s father contributed the Bride…thats all. Now she is no longer speaking to me due to the fact that I am not the mother she feels she deserves. Its one thing to be a disappointment to your parents but to be a disppointment to your kids is a real kick in the teeth, but her father has shown her a more matrialistic lifestyle which she is more in tune with and so it goes.

My youngest daughter (diffrent dad) is due to meet her father for the first time in 11 years, I was the one who asked him to stay sober on the one day of the week that he had her, he wouldn’t comply and so for her sake contact was stopped. Due to interference from her sister, Katherine is about to find, I fear, that nothing has changed there either. He made a promise that he would attend her regatta on Saturday and has changed his mind because HIS DAD WON’T LET HIM!!! The guy is 57 FCOL! and yes, he is still drinking, its the only time he can speak to me without hostility. Guess who gets to pick up the pieces?

This is the precise reason I wanted to wait until Katherine was a little older than 14 and had gotten through her GCSEs.

BUGGER!

Give me strength Lord, I’m going to need it.

Reeling..

Where to start? When to start would be more appropriate, was it the day I was born that today became inevitable? Melodramatic much, but then its been one of those days/weeks/months/years/lifetimes* Today I let my eldest daughter go. She overstepped some pretty big boundaries and I had to say “Enough”

A year or so ago she approached me saying she knew someone who was in touch with my younger daughter’s dad and she was going to find out if he wanted to see Katherine. I told her to leave it not knowing whether he had addressed his drinking problem or whether he was even interested in seeing his daughter after 11 or so years. She went ahead anyway but then didn’t mention any more and so I thought it was a done deal and hought best to leave well alone, after all he knew the address, all he had to do was come round or write a letter, I figured nothing would stop me from seeing my kid so mabe he just wasn’t interested. Rachael wasn’t satisfied though, she continued to fill Katherine’s head with the idea of her dad, even encouraging her to go behind my back in order to see him, and then three weeks ago a chance meeting on a street corner right outside my house introduced me to the “contact” that knew John. It was Vicky who proceeded to tell me herself how John would mention Katherine all the time and how he hoped she would get in touch with him one day.  As soon as I heard this news I knew Katherine would be over the moon and so I wasted no time in locating John and we sent him aletter. when we didn’t hear I followed it up with a visit to his last known address to find he’d already gone but I remembered his parents address and so another letter was sent with good results.

Now Rachale and I aren’t talking and it was so unnecessary

*delete where appropriate.

Going right for once…ish

Its done! Katherine is now in touch with her dad and I have much guilt to deal with. The guilt of my daughter not knowing her dad, her grandparents, her auntie, and all because of pride.

There’s much I have to confess and it doesn’t put me in a very good light but it has to be said so that maybe I can make sense of it all and possibly learn from my mistakes.

more later…

The Hardest Job in the World

I was 17 when i had to tell my mother I was pregnant – That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do until today when I had to ask my eldest daughter to leave because of the fall-out from her earlier actions which would take a novel to explain and even then you’d probably never get it. It would be some weirdo rambling and ranting about ex-husbands and quite frankly I’m tired of having been married to one of the most dysfunctional, controlling men it has ever been my misfortune to meet. I divorced him 14 years ago and he is still a looming, oppressive presence even now. Everything he touches bleeds to death and this is no exception. I just pray now that my boys and youngest girl  can find it within them to forgive their sister and move on.

How many have a friend like Magi?

Let me say first and foremost that my house is was a pig sty until Magi arrived. Everyone should have a friend like Magi, she loves housework, thrives on it even, so when I cheekily asked her last week if she fancied giving me some motivation to get my house back on track she jumped at the chance (care in the community is a wonderful thing! Lovesya Mags!) She made me really take notice of what was wrong, too much clutter and not enough giving a shit but thats all changed. My living room looks GORGEOUS! I couldn’t have done it on my own in fact all I seemed to do was faff about moving stuff from one place to another in ever decreasing piles of junk while Magi ploughed through the junk like a trooper on crack so that three hours later my living room looks like it belongs to someone else. Best of it is though she’s coming back next week to check and then she’s threatened to attack my kitchen.

Magi, I can’t thank you enough You are a star!

The Black Dog Bites Again

Ever since my doctor reduced my thyroxine dose its been creeping up on me ready to pounce and today it did. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been a lot worse but I just wish I could make the kids understand what it is I expect from them with regards to the running of the home.  They seem to think its perfectly ok to sit around accumulating detritus from all over then to just leave the room and the detritus for muggins here to clear away, thing is when that happens I usually end up doing extreme housework and destroying stuff so I don’t have to pick it up/wash it up/move it again…EVER! Then I feel a twat for losing control,  apologise and everything goes back the way it was with them sitting around doing sweet FA while the circle continues.

Minor rant from atop a very small soapbox

Is it me or is everyone obsessed with sexual orientation on TV? I have a couple of gay friends but they don’t wear their sexuality as a badge, it isn’t the issue that defines them but rather the people they are. Now I may be accused of being homophobic and quite frankly I’m sick of the PC brigade, I don’t care any more what people choose to think and the key word in that phrase is choose because it is all contextual. I have no desire to switch on my TV and see people of any peruasion writhing around in the throes of passion, I switch on to see good writing, excellent casting a top class storylines. If I want the other I’ll stick to the daytime soaps.

wabbits in the wiving woom

It may not be everyone’s idea of ideal but I love having the rabbits running around the living room and hassling the cat (who gets out of the way when he’s had enough) As soon as I start barricading the electricals off they’re ready and eager to get out and race around, although I’m convinced Cuddles (name to be announced) seems to think she is a dog and pesters for a fuss while Willow(not my choice!) is a definite rabbit.

Being Human

Plot holes big enough to fly a 747 through notwithstanding, Being Human is an enjoyable piece of escapism with wit and humour of the darker variety.

Mitchell is a dark, brooding vampire with a social conscience who shares a house with George, a reluctant werewolf and Annie, the ghost of the former occupant who makes endless cups of tea(causing a shortage of clean cups) in spite of the fact that she can’t drink them she insists old habits die hard. George is ashamed of his condition and has a system of hiding himself in a conveniently closed off section of the hospital in which he works until , that is he discovers workmen apparently renovating the space for an admin block. Panicked, and with time running out before he changes, he seeks out Mitchell who drives him to a patch of woods where George goes running off to find  a secluded spot all of which seem to be occupied, and so, with the clock ticking George finds himself back in the car with Mitchell having decided the safest place would be at home after all.(no, this werewolf doesn’t seem to have worked out how to open doors or jump through windows)

The scene is set for ain intrguing tale of friendship across many boundaries.